MTV’s Laguna Beach..So Long, Farewell, auf Wiedersehen Goodbye

Heads should roll at MTV. Why? Because someone obviously popped in the wrong tape of Laguna Beach last night. There is NO WAY that the ep that aired last night was the season finale. It was awful!! Where was the drama? The suspense? The bitching? And where, oh where was the must hyped big surprise? It couldn’t have been LC’s spinoff…could it?

Want to know what happened? Nothing. Nothing at all. The Laguna Bitches all packed their designer clothes into their Louis Vuitton and Prada suitcases as they prepared to leave Laguna. There was a lot crying, reflecting, and staring at the ocean while a soon to be outdated pop melody played in the background. Kristin showed more emotion in this one ep than she has during the past 2 seasons. Seems Kristin is really going to miss Jessica, and she really loves her…she must, she only said it about 400 times! Oh yeah, and Talan loves Jason, and told him so last night. And all along I thought it was going to be Cedric throwing out those three little words to J-Wahl.

Kristin, Alex H., Talan, Jason, LC, Stephen, Dieter all left Laguna for the glitz and glamour of LA. I know LA is Crazytown, USA already, but I can’t imagine what the place will be like after the Laguna Bitches move in. At lease we know the music scene will be something fierce now that Talan is in town…holla!!!

If you read any blogs or spent anytime of Webshots, you’ve inevitably seen the pics of the LBers at various stages of inebriation, club hopping in LA. These kids are making the rounds. Here’s the latest info I have on the whereabouts of the Laguna Bitches…

By now we all know that Lauren Conrad (LC) is living and going to school in LA. She has a phat intership at Teen Vogue, and oh yeah…a reality show about her life. Not too bad for a little girl from Laguna. I’ll be watching The Hills come this spring LC..don’t you worry about that. But can I make one request? Please start hanging out with LO we miss that bitch.

Kristin Cavallari must have some nasty blisters from walking all those red carpets lately. Cavs and new boy toy Brody Jenner are everywhere these days. He’s hot, so I’m not really complaining. I wonder if she cares that LC got a spinoff. Even if she did, Cavs would dismiss it, and say she’s ready to move on…am I right? Yeah, thought so. Girl thinks she’s a star or something – showing up on magazine covers. Rumor has it Kristin is getting a little full of herself these days. I even heard that bff Alex H. moved out the apartment she was sharing with KC and moved in with former rival Alex M (who’s recording a record..oh lord). Ring Ring – Hi you’ve reached Alex and Alex, like leave a message and we’ll like call you back or not. Ha ha ha.

Stephen, Dieter, and Jason are sharing what can only be described as a condo of sin, somewhere in a dark, seedy alley of LA. I can’t imagine the STDs floating around that apartment. Groupies everywhere. I love me some Ste-phen, but I wouldn’t even ring that doorbell without 2 pairs of latex gloves on. I’m sure that Dieter still introduces himself as Ste-phen’s wingman, and tries to mack on his leftovers. Poor Dieter. Run home for teens, Dieter…run…run.

And then there’s Talan…oh Talan. What is going on with you my little drop out? Now I think Talan’s a cute kid and all, but hot enough to bang Lindsay Lohan…umm, NO?! I just have to assume that he didn’t speak in bed at all, b/c that Mike Tyson voice of his would certainly be a turnoff for La Linds. And how about just last week when he took over driving for Paris’s drunk ass shipping heir, Stavros, after his infamous car crash. Talan you are everywhere bitch. Just do me favor…call Taylor every once in a while. I think she may be your only real link to the real world.

And speaking of Miss Taylor, where are thou? Well Taylor left Laguna too, and went to college in..get this….Arizona. Seems not everyone has gone to LA to cash in on their 15 minutes. Taylor is one of two LBers that I think might actually graduate from college. So Taylor and Trey – feel free to make fun of your “friends” at the reunion. You might not recognize them, they are the coke addicts with the STDs. (Damn I’m harsh tonight).

Actually, there is someone else that may have a fighting chance to actually make something of themselves – Jessica. Annoying as she was, I think Jess was the only one that acted like a real girl in High School….she had self esteem issues, she acted irrationally with boys, she needed a lot of attention – yeah, I might have none a few girls like that during my HS days. Jess has decided to stay in Laguna and attend community college there with the intention of transferring to a four year college to get her teaching degree. Jess may your friends predictions for you come true. After being involved with Laguna Beach, I can only hope that I see you driving your minivan full of kids in the hills on Virgina….that would be a victory for us all.

For me, Laguna Beach will NEVER be the same again. I’m sure I will marginally enjoy Season 3, if only b/c LC’s sister is in the cast which guarantees a view of LC’s hot tub at least once an ep. It’s just going to be different. Remember the first few seasons of The Real World and how good they were? Before the show became the playground of every narcissistic wannabe actor under the age of 25? Well that’s what the first two seasons of LB were. Now Laguna Beach High School is being infiltrated by starry eyed hopefuls just hoping to have the looks and the attitude to be cast. It’s tainted.

In closing, let me just say that I will miss my Bitches. I love them as if they were my own family. I love them like Cedric Talan loves Jason. I will try my very best to keep tabs on the kids, and provide updates when I can. And make sure to pass on any LB updates if you hear anything in the rumor mill. Viva la Laguna Beach!

Thanks to Laguna Hookup for some of the pics.