The Cocktail Party Primer (Episode #4)

I’m hoping some of you are really trendy and attend those oh so hip Sunday evening cocktail parties.  See the Cocktail Party Primer is most helpful when you have it in time for the weekend.  But seeing that I went to New Hampshire for the weekend where I am lucky to have electricity none the less internet access I am very late in posting this.  My apologies to you and Mostly Martha.  But cocktail party or not, Mostly Martha is back with another hilarious edition of the Cocktail Party Primer.  Comments=love.

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s a . . . Caveman?

Damn, it feels good to be a tweenager. Or Ryan Seacrest. Or anyone who ever dreamed of calling themselves Turbo, and running around inside a big metal hamster ball. Whether those people having a super week is bad news for the rest of us remains to be seen. Either way, here’s the scoop on the news from the tube to get you through the weekend.

• It’s amazing what the tweens can do when they all band together. Disney’s High School Musical 2 drew 17.2 million viewers, shattering the basic-cable ratings record previously held by Monday Night Football. That’s a lot of societal power to have in the hands of 8-12 years olds. Imagine a world where all communication is done through text messages and Zac Effron is the president. Our only hope is to keep them busy with homework, trendy crap they can buy at kiosks at the mall, and totally unfair 9:30 curfews and hope they never figure it out.

• It’s a good thing the Emmy’s already sort of sucked, because this year’s show is destined to thrill and titillate no one. It was announced this week that everyone’s favorite bland, blonde, and snore-inducingly ubiquitous TV personality Ryan Seacrest will be hosting. First it was New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, then last week the Super Bowl, and now this? It’s getting creepy, the way he’s popping up everywhere like some kind of fungus grown from equal parts Dick Clark and Pat Boone. I see so much of him, it’s almost like we’re dating. I keep expecting to wake up to find him standing in my kitchen asking my coffeepot dumb interview questions and trying to make me vote off the Rice Krispies out of breakfast.

• NBC is so sure you’ll love Friday Night Lights, if you buy First Season DVD coming out next week and don’t love it, they’ll give you your money back. That’s right, NBC is now issuing money-back guarantees. In the same spirit, they’ve also announced that the new season of Deal or No Deal will juice nutritious fruits and veggies faster than you ever thought possible and The Bionic Woman will cut your turkey-carving time in half. Now if I could just get a refund on the minutes of my life I wasted watching Thank God You’re Here, I’d be all set.

• Some suspiciously Geico-esque Cro-Magnons were spotted at various L.A. hotspots, driving around in a convertible, making rude gestures, and just generally drawing attention to themselves. ABC says the stunt had nothing whatsoever to do with the network or its upcoming show Cavemen. Given the accusations of racism and soul-sucking unfunnyness that previews of the show have already garnered, it’s easy to see why the network might be desperate for a little positive buzz, but I’m willing to believe them. I mean, what’s weird about voluntarily put on several hours worth of complicated makeup, hop into a flashy car, and drive around a major metropolitan area heckling people? Where I went to high school, a lot of girls called that Friday night.

• To the delight of spandex loving amateur bodybuilders everywhere, American Gladiators is returning to television. NBC says the new version will borrow more from the original, more introspective and dramatic BBC version. Instead of just seeing Sabre, Zap, Nitro, and Ice pummel amateurs without awesome nicknames on the Gauntlet, it will focus more on backstory of the gladiators and contestants. Because really, don’t we all want to know a little more about the hopes and dreams of the people wielding the tennis ball canon?

Martha Smith is a San Francisco-based freelance writer and editor. She writes mostly about food, TV, and other things that can be enjoyed while sitting down.