AMERICAN IDOL – “I’m Going for Actressing” (Philly Auditions)

Believe it or not, we are only two episodes in on the 7th season of AMERICAN IDOL, and it’s a loooong way until the finale. The talent search is on and the freak flags are waving high. The ‘bush baby’ backlash has left us with a kinder, gentler Simon Cowell, Randy still hasn’t found a thesaurus, and someone finally stabilized Paula’s meds – oh yes, AMERICAN IDOL is back.

Over the past two nights we’ve seen auditions – the good, the bad, and the WTF – from Philadelphia and Dallas. There have been a few standouts, but none that have been so fantastic that they are more memorable than the “colorful” folks whom have auditioned for Simon, Paula and Randy. And by colorful, I mean flat out bizarre.

Since I just got around to seeing last night’s episode, let’s start with a brief recap of some of the people who were making a name for themselves in the City of Brotherly Love.

In Philly there were a few standouts that I’d be hardpressed to forget this soon. There was Youka, an Egyptian guy who loves all things Mr. BeeGees and is looking for the perfect women whom he can love ‘from her hair to her nipple’ (guess he missed anatomy class). James Lewis, a Philadelphia tour guide who was encouraged to audition by his colleagues…colleagues that hate him. His rendition of “Go Down Moses” made Barry White sound like a soprano. Temptress, a 16 year old high school student who just happens to be the middle linebacker for her school’s football team is auditioning not only for herself but for her sick mother who has always loved to hear her sing. Things didn’t go her way, but Simon was absolutely smitten with her and personally walked her out of the audition room. It was nice to see the softer side of Simon, but the real nugget in meeting Temptress was hearing Ryan Seacrest talk about football. Seacrest, we get it, you’re straight…you know about football. Probably the most talked about contestant of last night was Paul Marturano who came prepared with an original song dedicated to Paula. “The Stalker Song” (full lyrics below) started off a bit funny but turned creepy soon there after. Paula tried to laugh it off, but Simon wasn’t having it and had the guy escorted out. I’m sure the guy just wanted to get on TV (mission accomplished) but that song even creeped me out.

The Princess Leia chick creeped everyone out and somehow was fighting to better the names of dorks and geeks everywhere. Newsflash Leia – dorks and geeks are cool these days. Have you not seen CHUCK or THE BIG BANG THEORY? Geek chic is all the rage so find another soapbox…and may the force be with you. Oh and don’t confuse the Princess Leia chick with the guy who dressed up like Princess Leia and whom left before his audition began to get his chest and back waxed at the suggestion of Paula…oh I kid you not.

As ridiculous as all these contestants were, none of the topped Alexis Cohen. Alexis was a full time student studying to become a vet who lived in a studio apartment with her mother, her dog and her two cats – and that tells you about all you need to know about Alexis. A throw back to the 80’s, Alexis tried her hand at a Grace Slick tune but was somewhat politely dismissed by the judges. They said her voice wasn’t terrible but not right for this contest, and perhaps she should try her hand at a cover band. In the grand scheme of things, not the worst blowoff. Alexis somewhat reluctantly, but politely accepted their comments, left the room and then went bat shit crazy. She went on a full blown, unprecented tirade against Simon Cowell, who she said was a “big fat very very bad word” (ouch). There was fingers waived, asses slapped, curses a-flyin’ but at the end of the day, we find out that Alexis isn’t even all that passionate about music when she tells us “I’m going for actressing”. Well, she’s naturally dramatic so at least she has that going for her. Too bad she’s a complete loon!! Even as I write this I’ll be honest and let you know that I’m worried Alexis won’t like what I have to say and that she’s going to hunt me down and kill me in my sleep. So if this blog isn’t updated tomorrow go find Alexis Cohen…I’m just saying.

There were a few golden moments in Philly, but we’ll have plenty of time to talk about them when we all get to Hollywood week. Probably one of the most memorable (if for no other reason that Fox pimped her on every frakkin commercial break) was Kristy Lee Cook, who auditioned with a beautiful version of ‘Amazing Grace’. I noticed right away that it was LeAnn Rimes version of the song which only becomes interesting when you find out that (a) Kristy Lee had once been signed to Arista Nashville Records and she was once managed by the same guy who manages LeAnn Rimes. So much for AMERICAN IDOL finding “undiscovered” talent.

Please forgive me that I’m a full day behind with my recap of the Philly auditions. I’ll be back to normal (whatever that means) when I get back to the East Coast this weekend and back on my TV watching schedule. Check back on Thursday morning for my thoughts on the Dallas auditions.

“The Stalker Song”
Music & Lyrics by Paul Marturano

There is this girl I know I follow her around
She doesn’t notice me it really gets me down
I broke into her house when she wasn’t there
Took off all my clothes and tried on her underwear
I’m always thinking of her
I really think that I love her

I’m not much of a talker
So I guess that I’ll just stalk her
And I’ll just stalk her
If she were a doggie, I would walk her
If she were a blackboard I would chalk her
If I were Columbo I’d Peter Falk her
But she’s not so I’ll just stalk her

If she were at bat with a guy on first, I’d balk her
If she were Willona from Good Times I’d be Jimmie Walker
If she were a bathtub I would caulk her

– GMMR Out