The Cocktail Party Primer (Episode #7) - Give Me My Remote : Give Me My Remote

The Cocktail Party Primer (Episode #7)

September 22, 2007 by  

They Voted Me Off Kid Nation and All I Got was This Lousy Complex

Either I’m feeling cranky because the martini I’m drinking isn’t nearly as icy as it’s supposed to be, or a lot of stuff sucked this week. Of course, I shouldn’t have expected much from a week that kicked off with the Primetime Emmys and then moved on to Lord of the Flies, I mean, Kid Nation. If they’d just gone ahead and debuted Cavemen, it would have been like the Triple Crown of Suck. Luckily, all the TV I really care about gets going next week. Until then, this is what went down on TV, in all its ignominious glory, on the ol’ boob tube this week.

  • Apparently, the Emmys were boring. Really? No way! I would never have guessed. Or perhaps I might have. Not that it takes a crystal ball and a connection to the great beyond to guess that a televised award show hosted by Ryan Seacrest and featuring such edge of your seat categories as Directing for a Miniseries, Movie or a Dramatic Special might be a bit dull. What I didn’t see coming was the way the Fox word police would wield their censorship button, but maybe I should have. As everybody knows, no one poses a more serious threat to our morals and our delicate, virginal ears than that filth-spewing shockmeister Sally Field. Thank God I chose to spend Emmy night wearing earplugs and drinking gin in a bar so I wouldn’t have to depend on the Fox censors to protect me from her immoral influence. With a mouth like Field’s, I knew it was better not to take any chances.
  • The only thing I can figure is that the producer’s for The View thought Elizabeth Hasselbeck must be lonely. It must have been hard for her as not only the show’s resident conservative, but also as just about the dumbest person on TV. So they got her a little friend! This week, new The View-ista Sherri Shepherd expressed uncertainty as to whether the Earth was flat or not. She sounds like the perfect cohort for the woman of Hasselbeck’s particular mental acuity. I bet after the taping everyday they go out and set flaming bags of dog poo on Al Gore’s doorstep, ring the buzzer, run, and then just laugh themselves silly.
  • Amid a storm of moral and legal concerns, Kid Nation finally aired. Questions of child labor laws and bad parenting choices aside, the show kind of blew. The kids fought, cried, competed for gold stars, and went rabbit hunting in a fake Old West village while surrounded by cameras. So, you know, it was just like real life. Assuming that your childhood involved competing for the love of your elders in the most cruel and sadistic way possible as part of an obvious attempt to parlay the experience into 15 minutes of fame in commercials, or possibly the Disney Channel. Finally, a TV show that really speaks to what is was like growing up for all those poor kids in High School Musical.
  • In other news of the suck, Gossip Girl premiered, and with the exception of three-dozen preteen girls somewhere in Connecticut and, reluctantly, our esteemed host here at GMMR, it was generally reviled (Note: I don’t think Mostly Martha was reading the reviews if the GMMRers, many of whom seem to love this show). As someone who loved that apotheosis of teen-oriented soap drama, Beverly Hills 90210, this did not surprise me. I already lived through the trials and tribulations of those Walsh twins from Wayzata, Minnesota, and there’s no droom left in my heart for another group of melodramatic, spoiled teenagers. Without the stirrup pants, teased bangs, and Luke Perry smoldering so hard that it influences a whole generation of girls’ sexuality, Gossip Girls leaves me cold. It’s like the show is to 90210 as lizard in a sweater is to a fluffy little kitten, just a pale imitation.
  • What would you get if you combined the subtly and romance of VH1’s Celebreality with MySpace’s sophisticated aesthetic? Flava Flav and Danny Bonaduce making out with each other and flashing their naughty bits in front of a screen filled with sparkly GIFs of dancing kittens while a Panic! at the Disco song plays in the background? That would be awesome, but alas, no. Instead, you get A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila. Judging by the promo released this week, we’re all in for a treat. My only advice is this: if you choose to watch, please engage safe viewing practices. You’ll need to wrap your body in latex and thoroughly disinfect the television afterward. With a show this trashy, there’s no telling what you could catch.

Martha Smith is a San Francisco-based freelance writer and editor. She writes mostly about food, TV, and other things that can be enjoyed while sitting down.

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8 Responses to “The Cocktail Party Primer (Episode #7)”

  1. The Cocktail Party Primer (Episode #7) — All This Nonsense on September 22nd, 2007 11:18 pm

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  2. Patty on September 22nd, 2007 11:56 pm

    I am with you on the suck that is Gossip Girl, Martha. Having already watched all the original teen angsty shows the first time around, this one is a drag.

  3. Billiam on September 23rd, 2007 2:27 am

    Ya know what? Even though I didn’t watch any of these shows except the Emmys (which DID spend way too much time on all the mini-series and movies that I’ve never even heard of), I have to say that Martha is coming off as being extremely mean for the sake of being mean. Oh, and her opinions of television are in no way skewed by her political views…
    It takes alot of time and effort to create a TV show (even a bad one), and it takes a critic about 2 minutes to type up a paragraph on how it is complete and utter garbage, with no redeeming values, and how it is “reluctant” if anoyone else has a differing opinion. GMMR, we come here for your blog, not to hear someone else spew hate, which I guess we are supposed to find funny.

  4. allison on September 23rd, 2007 9:59 am

    I found it funny! Keep it up Martha, I love spewing hate about tv.

  5. Give Me My Remote on September 23rd, 2007 10:04 am

    It’s just all good, snarky fun!!

  6. Patty on September 23rd, 2007 10:15 am

    Is it really hate if it’s true? With the one exception of Gossip Girl, I don’t think I have seen anything worthwhile about any of the other shows mentioned. I even tried to watch part of Kid Nation last night. (I too have a problem with the being “alone” but with cameras everywhere) It seems that any show MTV or VH1 puts on the air these days is exploitation TV (not that I won’t watch Celebrity Fit Club) and Bleck! The View? Who’s view is it these days? Not mine. Keep it up Martha. I bet you’ll say nice things about a show when a good one actualy comes on.

  7. Zenah on September 23rd, 2007 10:29 am

    I love that Sally Fields was anti-war. It’s not political, it’s humanitarian.
    I just dont get it!

  8. Pirate on September 23rd, 2007 1:10 pm

    Angry much??!? Geez, tell us how you really feel! Step away from the booze.